To make a long story short, I've been sick with some sort of mystery illness that lasted about a month, but finally, finally. I'm pretty sure it was bronchitis, though I can't be certain because I don't have health insurance and can't go to the doctor or get a prescription unless I am near death. I felt sick enough for long enough, though, that I decided to skip DHSI in the interest of getting better and also not infecting everyone on my plane and at DHSI. You are welcome, people. It was miserable not going, since I've been looking forward to it for over a year and I kept thinking about how much money I lost because I can't get reimbursed for my travel award without a boarding pass. It was the right thing to do, but it sucked. Instead of getting my DH geek on, I slept for 16-20 hours every day for five days straight and followed along on twitter when I could stay awake. I know, I know. I should have gone to the doctor. I feel almost totally better now. Almost.
The dissertation is in bad shape, though, thanks to the mystery illness. I'm behind with one chapter and I have another one due at the end of the month. I basically need to finish two chapters in two weeks. That would be hilarious if it wasn't so awful.
Speaking of awful, the reason that I'm writing this at 5:00 a.m. is that the day I've dreaded for months now finally came and we had to say goodbye to Tank today. You might remember Tank's drama that I wrote about in March. I can't remember if I later wrote about how he actually had some sort of cancer in his bloodstream that attacks organs over time, but he did. For the past week or so, he stopped eating breakfast and eventually just picked at his dinner and acted very tired. We took him to the vet Monday, hoping it was just an infection, but knowing it wasn't. I had to take him to the vet because I was off, but my mom met me there because she's a control freak when it comes to the dogs. However, my dad's car was there, too, which immediately led to hysterics on my part (I'm not ashamed to admit it, I completely lost it) because I was afraid they wanted to put him to sleep right then and there, even though he was still happy, moving around, and eating. Fortunately, that didn't happen; the control freak just wanted my dad there in case it was necessary. The vet did warn us that it was only a matter of time and not much time at that. Wednesday we decided to put Tank to sleep Thursday night, but he didn't want to get out of my bed in the morning, even to go outside or to get a drink. He was in really rough shape, so I decided we should reschedule for as soon as possible, despite wanting to hold him and pet him and give him cuddles for as long as possible.
I really am glad he isn't suffering any more (I'm trying to be an adult about this!) and that I got to a point where I could admit it needed to happen, but today is my birthday and the only thing I want is a healthy Tank back and that just isn't going to happen. The worst is that his sister, Princess, starts wandering around the house, looking for him, every time she gets up and then she gets upset when she can't find him and then we all get upset all over again. I clearly do not do well with losing a pet.
Sleep well, my precious little Tank. I will love you and miss you forever and so will Princess.
Princess and Tank (right) hiding and cuddling under the kitchen table.
Awww, so much emphathy on the loss of a furry family member. They leave such a big hole... Hope to see you back at top left group this week?
ReplyDeleteAnd happy birthday, even though it clearly isn't. I think you should identify a day in say a month's time that will be Jodi's Official Birthday 2013 (if it's good enough for the Queen of Britain it's good enough for you!) and save celebrating until then. Then do something GOOD that day - and let the internet know when it is so we can all wish you happy official birthday too.
((((Jodi))))
Oh, dear. I'm sorry, especially about Tank, and also about the illness and the DHSI (which will, however, be there another year, and, as I'm sure you know, there are some good classes at Brown, and an emerging winter DHI at Maryland -- closer & cheaper for us East-coast folks. Still, I always feel bad when I end up skipping a professional event to which I was looking forward, even when I realize it's in support of my long-term professional goals).
ReplyDeleteI like JaneB's solution to the birthday issue -- it should be celebrated, but now isn't the time. Another option would be to plan a blowout 6-month birthday celebration this year (or just a blowout post-defense celebration).
You know your own work patterns better than I (some people do work well in bursts of effort, especially if they've laid the groundwork; I'm not sure how much you've got done on the two chapters), but, from the perspective of someone who tends to work *less* efficiently when faced with unrealistic deadlines (basically, I spend so much time thinking about the deadline and the unlikelihood of meeting it given my present pace that I don't have any mental space left for the actual work): do you have any reason to think, based on past experience, that actually *can* finish 2 chapters in two weeks? If not, what's the most you've been able to accomplish, given ideal conditions, and just how far away from ideal conditions are you right now, given the fact that you're both still recovering from an illness and mourning a significant loss (as well as recovering from a stressful semester, and job hunt, which undoubtedly has made you more vulnerable to illness, and to being overwhelmed by life events)? Can you set that as a goal, and begin whatever negotiations may be necessary to recognize that reality (or plan to just send what you have to advisers and head to your conference, if they're likely to insist on unrealistic goals?).
As I think I've said before, I honestly think I would have finished my dissertation sooner (at least somewhat sooner) if I'd learned earlier on to set realistic goals (and to be politely assertive in discussing those goals with advisors and others who were inclined to push ones that were unrealistic in light not only of my, but also of their own, actual work patterns -- this, of course, is the tricky part; as a relative who works in scholarly publishing says, academics are bad at setting goals in part because the whole culture, from grad school on, encourages people to estimate that they can produce finished scholarship about 2x to 3x more quickly than most scholars -- including very bright, capable scholars -- actually can). It's not easy, and part of the puzzle may be figuring out whether the particular people to whom you're accountable react best to advance warning of what you can actually accomplish, or communication on or near the agreed-upon deadline about what you actually *have* accomplished. But setting goals for yourself is a somewhat separate piece than communicating about them, and, at least in my experience, it helps to be realistic with myself even if I can't be entirely so with others.
So sorry for your loss! Head-pats to the other puppy!
ReplyDeleteTake care!
ReplyDelete