February Sucks

I basically lost my job yesterday. I can't find it, but I thought I'd written something on here somewhere about possibly teaching this summer because the school is making a push for core requirement classes, like the survey classes I teach, to be available during the summer and that adjuncts can teach them, if full-time faculty don't want to, despite the fact that they are trying to cut back on adjunct hours, which has something, I suspect, to do with this new trend of cutting adjunct hours to prepare for the Affordable Care Act, in addition to enrolment concerns, which they claim is the reason, yet all the numbers are in line with at least the last three years, so to say I'm skeptical about this is putting it mildly. The point of that terrible run-on sentence was supposed to be that I was trying not to get my hopes up about those summer classes actually happening, but I sort of did, and yesterday I met with my chair to, basically, plead my case as to why they should give me a contract for next year, rather than use me as an adjunct and risk losing me, the British history I can teach because the department doesn't offer British history currently, and my digital humanities training, which would be very useful because the school is trying to get on the online class bus and I at least am familiar with best practices in digital pedagogy and am the only person there who has experience with teaching online classes, which the other professors have no interest in learning about or starting because they are all hoping to retire in the next few years. Seriously. The three full-time professors in the department all want to retire within five years at the most. There is one visiting professor, who they want to hire TT for the next semester, but that's questionable right now with the current state of things. There are also three adjuncts, including one who is moving to Georgia this summer, one who teaches Museum Studies and World Civ only, and me. So, the department is...in trouble.

Anyways, his response was that he was sorry they had misled me since our very first meeting, but they won't be able to offer me a contract because the school is cutting back so drastically on adjuncts and on visiting professors, etc. Of course, if the numbers improve, I'd be the first person they offer classes to, but only on adjunct pay and they wouldn't know until July. As for the summer classes, the department has decided not to offer them, despite the push by the school, because the department does not think students will enroll in them. 

Basically, the department is resisting all changes the school is trying to make (and don't get me wrong - I don't agree with all of the changes, but some of the changes do seem sensible, from both a financial and an academic standpoint) and actively trying to recruit people to stand in resistance with them. Instead of going along with ideas that might even help the department, like offering more classes to attract more students, they have decided to defy ALL the changes/mandates and jump on a sinking ship. Am I bitter? Yes. Did I think all of this prior to yesterday? Absolutely.

I left the meeting in a weird mood. It was quite disheartening to hear that I most likely will not return to a school that I actually like, but, at the same time, it was kind of freeing. At least now I know. That's why I set up the meeting. I was tired of the promises and half-promises they were making and all of the rumors swirling around the school. So, now I know.

I went home after the meeting, which was the plan all along, not a reaction to the meeting, because one of our dogs, Winnie, had lymphoma and this weekend she really deteriorated, hardly being able to walk to go outside and only with help standing up because she had a massive tumor, by her left rear leg, that tripled in size the past few days. I wanted to go home and make sure she was ok and spend some time with her because it was time to put her to sleep and we did that last night, which is an entirely different kind of horrendous experience and one that I am tired of going through and never want to go through again and would never wish anyone to have to make that decision for their pet.

Winnie just turned twelve last month. She was so sweet. She was also my beloved Dewey's girlfriend. Dewey was only seven or eight months old when we brought Winnie home; they grew up together and were, honestly, insane together. They even had puppies together eventually. (That still creeps me out because I thought of them as besties, but besties don't matter in dog show world, where good genes rule and those two have excellent genes.) My parents kept the two most adorable puppies, who I adore almost as much as Dewey. They are, after all, his babies. He might hate them because they fight him for my attention (please, 99% of the time, he wins), but I love them.

This is Winnie, being obnoxious to my mother, who bought a throw rug for Winnie to sleep on and be able to stand up on because the linoleum was very difficult. Winnie, as you can see, thumbed her nose at the rug, despite it being placed exactly where she liked to lay, and decided to lay down next to it instead. I have no doubt she learned the obnoxiousness from Dewey, the master. 

So, goodbye, Winnie, and thank you so much for making us all happy and loving Dewey and giving me Princess (if you think that's a ridiculous name, you should hear her full name, though I take full responsibility for both and, trust me, she more than lives up to her obnoxious name) and Tank. We will all miss you. We already do. 

Crisis of Confidence

Yesterday was a bad day. It was one of those days where fear and anxiety wrap themselves around you, creating a cocoon of self-doubt that seems impossible to break. I basically spent the entire day on my couch, alternately between feeling sorry for myself and crying my eyes out. I went to a library fundraising dinner with my parents, which was my idea and so I couldn't back out of it, and even teared up at dinner. I even cried in the shower, hoping I would feel better because sometimes a good long cry in the shower helps. I don't know why it does, but it does. Except for yesterday.

I could not shake the overwhelming feeling that I will never finish this dissertation; that even if I do finish it I won't find a job; that I have wasted the majority of my life in pursuit of a goal that will not happen; that I have no social life because I make no money and sit at home every night, watching tv and wondering what my friends are doing; that I am losing one of my best friends because I can't afford to go to her wedding, even though she says she's fine and knows it's not my fault, but somehow her almost-daily phone calls and daily texts have all come to a screeching halt and I'm lucky if I get a quick text back to any one of mine; and that I am a failure at life because, at 35, I have had to move back in with my parents, who support me financially because I am basically unemployable, being somehow overqualified and underqualified, all at once, for many, many jobs and my parents are not really in the best position to help me, particularly for as long as has been necessary and seemingly will never end, so not only are my finances in shambles, but if something doesn't happen soon, I could seriously hurt my parents' future, too.

So. Today has been slightly better, if only because I had to lecture today, so I had to put on clothes and make-up and restrain from bursting into tears at any given moment. That doesn't mean I don't want to cry, just that I refuse to cry in my office because the walls do not go all the way up to the ceiling and people will hear me. At least I managed to type this post without crying. Perhaps this will be a turning point. I really, really need it to be.

Writing Group Week 7: distracted living

Something interesting popped up on Twitter today that changed what I wanted to talk about this week. Evidently, a professor is claiming that sleep-texting is becoming an issue. Mind you, there haven't been any studies  done on this; she's basing her claims on anecdotal evidence. But sleep-texting? Really? I may be somewhat addicted to my phone (can you blame me after five years of a truly terrible phone when I lived in Canada??), but I love sleep a lot more than my phone. I love sleep almost as much as I love my dog. Combine the two and I'm so happy. Days when he cuddles up with me for a nap are my favorite days.

Anyway, that article, while annoying, did get me thinking about how the world is so connected and how addicting that connection can be. Some people can't make it through a meal without texting, tweeting, checking email, or whatever. There's a constant fear of missing out on something, anything. I'll admit that I can be bad about this, particularly when I'm struggling to write and even more so when I'm grading because, ugh, I'd rather be doing just about anything than grading. Vacuuming is better than grading. I used to have days that I had to force myself into a corner and handwrite because I can't be trusted to be on the computer and not get online, checking my email 600 times in an hour. That's not as terrible as it seems because the editing process is built-in when I then have to type it up later. I've also found it really helpful to go somewhere without wifi to work, though it's getting harder and harder to find such a place these days, even where I live in the sticks. So, I thought it might be helpful if we shared our best strategies, cool little applications, etc. for avoiding distractions like the never-ending barrage of email, the wonderful blogs that a lot of us write, or the awesome timesuck that is all the wonderful kittehs (Colonel Meow is my favorite) and oh, the puppies! on the interwebs. (Don't forget to check out the pandas and penguins if you click on that last link. Never forget the penguins!)

I personally have forbidden myself to check my email until I review my daily goals, which helps set the precedent for the day that email is not the most important thing. I've also been using David Allen's inbox zero idea from his seriously life-changing book Get Things Done. Maintaining an empty inbox has meant, for me, that I no longer have this overwhelming crush of emails that linger in the back of my mind all day, every day. For my arch-nemesis, the internet, on particularly bad days when I'm just too weak to stay off of it myself, I have come to love the internet blocker, Freedom. There are other internet blockers (usually with free trials), but this is just the one I've been using because a fellow Mac-user recommended it. It's saving my dissertation.

So, what about you? Any particular favorite techniques, applications, or drastic measures (who was it that escaped a writing weekend in a cabin?) you've taken to guard your oh-so-precious writing time? Is sheer willpower enough for you or are you, like me, a potentially distracted writer?

Roll call!


Amanda@ladyscientist: (1) Finish looking at the issue (2) Schedule my whole week with writing time and experiment time.

Another postdoc/living academically: no check-in

Amstr (writing account): 1) make notes for diss reorg., 2) see if I need to pull from intro to avoid repetition between intro and Ch. 1, 3) write for 4 hours (work more than this on other stuff, but at least 4 hrs. dedicated to writing)

Bardiac: do something, anything

Contigent Cassandra: take out sources/models for main project; look at them; plan

Dame Eleanor Hull: Increase to 1.25 hours a day officially (I think I'm already there). Do the companion-piece revisions on Tuesday; prep for them on Monday (make sure I have the right books etc). Start checking the other chunk of translation and work on that for at least 1/2 hour, 3 times. Transcribe 6 lines of IPM. Keep reading/outlining MMP-1 and MMP-2

Danne: 1) write at least a page of notes a day. 2) Spend 3 hours a day on research 3) Use new tracking system. 4) If a positive answer is received from the new uni, take a day off for reading and celebrate

Elizabeth Anne Mitchell: Read Chapter One of Wendy Belcher’s Writing Your Journal Article

emmawriting: left group?

Good Enough Woman: no goal set

heu mihi: Start again. Keep trying. 5 hours. Write or fiddle with the MS on 3 days. And try, at least once, to *not* prioritize teaching, service, etc. over research. Just once.

humming42: edit conference paper

Jane B: MSc paper: rough-drafting the interior bits (methods and results) by the end of the week plus making a list of the figures and things to do for the rest of it.

Jason: 1000 words-to draft; 2 hours with analytic sources; 2 hours reconsidering Ch. 4 outline; writing group post Friday

Jodi: 500-1000 words

kiwi2: To revise the introduction for Paper X (again!), redo my tiny bit of analysis. Another 15 hours work on the exotic synthesis. Perhaps if I break it down a bit more to: a) read and take notes on 5 of the relevant documents and b) incorporate these notes into the rough structure.

kiwimedievalist/zcat_abroad: no check-in

luolin88: time:15 minutes MTWTh, 30 minutes Friday. task: plan and revise

Matilda: finish the paper

meansomething: 1) Four 12-minute sessions (Sunday, Monday morning after teaching, Tuesday morning before homeroom, and Thursday after lunch). 2) One book ms. submission

metheist: 3hrs on T/R and a total of 1000 words

nwgirl: 1). Finish GT section; 2). Work 2-3 hours on non-teaching days and 30 minutes each on three teaching days; 3). Check-in with writing group.

Pilgrim/Heretic: 2,000 words

profacero (Z): find files and write the abstract and write my first page; word count goal 500

rented life: no check-in

Susan: no check-in

tracynicolrose: Draft abstract(s) for Toronto conference; 4th of 4 (level 1) analysis memos for MS paper; do some reading for Methods paper

Zabeel: 1. Proof read Appendix 1; 2. Plan revisions for chapter 6; 3. Do first 5 pages of ch. 6 revisions

Blindsided by faith

Let me preface this post by saying that I am a terrible Catholic. The last time I went to Mass was in Edinburgh a few years ago, on a whim, when I found a cute church and weekday Mass was just about to start. I thought it couldn't be a coincidence, so I went and found myself struggling to remember the long-forgotten prayers that I never practiced enough to have them entirely engrained upon my memory.

For me, a beautiful church is a wonderful thing and Catholics did build beautiful churches. I like to sit in churches, staring at the architecture, the stained glass, the idols. Perhaps this is why I study religious history. Perhaps that also has something to do with my interrupted Catholicism. I never went through confirmation, so I'm not entirely certain I can call myself Catholic. I certainly don't take communion because that just feels wrong to me, as if I'd be an impostor.  When I was eight, I told my parents I refused to Sunday school anymore (I really did not like my Sunday school teacher. She was awful.) I didn't realize, however, that they would take this to mean I didn't want to go to church anymore. That wasn't the case. I went with my dad and my nana every Sunday and then we went to breakfast afterwards, which I really liked. Sadly, refusing Sunday school meant the end of going to church and I actually was sad about that, even though I never told anyone that really. It's still difficult to admit. I have thought many times about going through the confirmation process, but my disagreements with the Church on so many issues has always stopped me. The tradition and ritual that I love about the Catholic Church has not been enough to overcome my sadness and indignation at the treatment of women, of homosexuals, and of its victims.

To say that today's news, the resignation of Benedict XVI, has...shaken things up is an obvious understatement. There are times when my long-neglected Catholicism rears its ugly head. It usually involves my Catholic guilt, which, let me tell you, must have been instilled in me from birth from my grandmother because it is some seriously powerful stuff. I, however, would not have expected to be as upset by this as I am. I am REALLY angry. I feel betrayed. Popes do not resign. Popes especially do not resign for health reasons. Coming from the successor to Pope John Paul II this is a particular slap in the face. PJP2's decline was very long, very public, and very painful to watch. Benedict XVI has been in office for eight years. Yes, he's 85 years old, but surely he knew the toll being pope would take on him, on his health. The entire world watched PJP2 as his health failed, so surely Benedict was well aware of what could happen.

Popes just don't resign. Resignation signals that the pontiff is just another job, like CEO of a business (and, yes, there are many who would claim that the Catholic Church is precisely a business and I'm not disagreeing, but this is not the vein I choose to discuss right now), but it's not a job. It's a calling. Right? That's what we're told over and over. Men of faith get called to the church. That means, or at least it should mean, that they stay with the church 'til death do they part. The only way out is death.

The timing of it all is particularly perplexing. He announces his resignation two days before the start of Lent. That's appalling, but it gets worse. His resignation will go into effect halfway through Lent. Are you serious? We could potentially be without a pope for Easter. EASTER! And does this mean the papal conclave will be under pressure to elect another pope before Easter? Yes. Of course it does. Rome can't be popeless for the resurrection of Christ.

So, what is going on? You have to wonder. It's the Catholic Church. There is always something they are not telling us. What is it this time? Anyone can see Benedict has changed over the past few years. He looks weaker, more frail. Is that just age? His resignation would suggest otherwise, but the Church is silent on the specifics, as usual. I find myself angry at this, too. We need a reason - a specific reason - for this resignation, for such a betrayal. I would find it easier to be sympathetic if we were told that the pope is suffering from Alzheimers or was given two months to live and those two months were going to be horrifically painful. I certainly don't wish that on him, but I don't think we should be left wondering what is happening, why this is happening, why he is abandoning the Church.

There is another side to this, though. I feel bad for Benedict. I can not imagine the struggle he must have gone through to decide to resign. How does a man who dedicates his life to the Church and to God decide that he must leave it? How does one who achieves the highest honor relinquish it? And how does a man who leads millions in their faith turn his back on them?

There are so many questions. I'm sure that, in time, we will get our answers. But, for now, the Catholic Church remains silent.

UPDATE: I've been listening to some of the responses from the Catholic Church and from, well, everyone. I think I'm starting to come around and be a little more understanding. Benedict's recognition that he is no longer physically and mentally able to lead the Church, make doctrinal decisions, etc. must have been terribly humbling. I can only hope it will benefit the Church. I'm certainly not one of those people thinking this means his successor will be more liberal in its views on birth control, women, homosexuals. I wish, but it's been seven years of Benedict, not 70. There's been no real major shift and I don't expect it coming from the conclave anytime soon, probably not even in my lifetime. And so my standoff with the Church continues.

What now?

I just realized my lesson plans for the week are all done. Friday's exam is at the printer. I don't have anything to do for the upcoming week and it's only Saturday. I'm often finishing lesson plans the night before (who doesn't? wait - don't tell me!), so I'm kind of stunned at don't know what to do.

Oh, wait. There is that pesky dissertation. Good thing I have two days to write this weekend because I'm definitely behind on my goals for the writing group this week!

Still, it's a celebration!

I need to practice my French!

I haven't told many people this, but I'm just too excited to hold it in much longer. It looks like my paper was accepted for the Jacobite Studies Trust conference in July!

This is big. Huge. ENORMOUS. I may be more excited about this conference than I was about presenting at the last NACBS. I presented at the last JST conference in Glasgow a few years ago and loved it. Back then, I didn't even consider myself a Jacobite historian, but that conference changed things. Yes, I work on Scottish Episcopalians who were, for the most part, Jacobites, but I approach them from a religious angle, not a political one, so while I technically have always been a Jacobite historian, I didn't actually embrace that until the Glasgow conference. 

To say I'm really looking forward to being around "my" people for an entire weekend is an understatement. It's just so nice to get to enjoy an entire conference, rather than having to pick and choose from the panels you might most be interested in and hope you're right. Plus, I need to network again (I haven't been in Scotland in over a year and I constantly worry that people are forgetting about me), pitch my idea for my post-doc project, and see if any of the big whigs bite, I suppose. 

As usual, funding is the big problem. I'm hoping there's at least some funding available for grad students. I'm looking for other grants, too, but I'm a bit behind the ball because I didn't hear anything at all for months. I still have time, so I'm hoping the good luck continues and I get enough funding to go. I feel like my future is riding on this conference. I know it sounds silly and very dramatic and is not necessarily true, but I want this post-doc project to work out and I want it to happen in Scotland.  

So. Interwebs, send me all the good juju you have, please! I could use it.

Did I mention the conference is in Paris? Naturellement!

Writing Group Week 5 (and my slow return to the land of the living)

Is it just me or has it been a really long week?

Last week's stomach bug kicked my butt and I'm still not 100%. Not only am I still exhausted, but my stomach just feels...off. It's not happy with me, whether I eat some delicious pizza (I only have so much willpower in the middle of winter) or whether I behave myself and eat salad or some fruit and veg.

This has made keeping up with the week difficult. I'm only just reading about all of your wonderful achievements from last week. I'm trying to contain my jealousy! What I've noticed in some of your comments and what I struggle with on an almost daily basis is the impact of failure, or just the fear of failure - for we are all excellent people and scholars, of course! - on our scholarly lives. This, of course, impacts our personal lives, as we overwork and overstress ourselves in an attempt not to "fail," to get that tenure-track job at a R1 institution, to publish our book or more books or more and more articles.

Coincidentally, just yesterday Lee Skallerup Bessette blogged about this same thing and its effect on her writing, (I hate getting scooped!) so maybe this is a good time to discuss our concerns about failure. Why are we all so obsessed with getting these jobs that EVERYONE knows barely exist? Why don't we let our goals change without being racked with guilt? Are we really just attempting to keep up with the demands of academia or is there something else that motivates us? For those of you lucky ones who have landed the "dream job," does that fear subside (perhaps after tenure)? How can we overcome that fear and put it to good use as a motivator, not an impediment, to our writing?

Roll call (should be up to date now - apologies that it wasn't yesterday!):


Amanda@ladyscientist: Write or read 30 minutes/day.

Amstr (writing account)1) read comments on Chs. 2 and 4; 2) make changes to Ch. 2 and send to 2nd advisor; 3) gather primary and secondary evidence for Ch. 4 and confirm structure; 4) read 4 chapters of Key Book. Bonus tasks: write some; read some more

Another Postdoc/living academically: no check-in

Bardiac: next week looks to be too busy with work

Contigent Cassandra: Deal with funding application; finish freelance piece; actually take out and look at books for main project, start planning it

Dame Eleanor Hull: Time: at least one hour a day, at least half an hour on translation and half on something else. Product: more notes on S book, get back to books on W and read/take notes. Do final edits and submit MMP companion-piece

Danne: 1) write at least a page of notes a day 2) Reading three chapters of spatial book 2 3) If a positive answer is received from the new uni, take a day off for reading.

Elizabeth Anne Mitchell: 30 minutes 5 days a week.

emmawriting: no check-in

Good Enough Woman: checked-in but no goal set

heu mihi: Finish the German? That might be about it. I've got an extra, very-short-term class to prepare, so I'm looking to be busy.

humming42: submit the paperwork

Jane B: a) incorporate the comments from other authors into paper A, do a first cut at reducing its length (let's say 4 sessions of about 0.5-1 hour each).  b) type up the outline for what is now paper D derived from this week's freewriting and send an email to my colleague about their part in finalising the analysis plan.

Jason: 750 words-to-draft; 6x250; 5 solid hours with analytic sources; post writing group report by Saturday.

Jodi: If I'm still alive, I need 1000-1500 words

kiwi2: Work on the one page draft so it is a reasonable standard and send to at least one other colleague for review

kiwimedievalist/zcat_abroad: Write 1,000 words (can be rubbish) on the article. Read the book for review.

luolin88: 15 minutes on some kind of writing/research MTWTF.

Matilda: finish (or nearly finish) the paper

meansomething: 1) Five 12-minute sessions (may include two or three on prose); 2) Send out ms. to other publisher.

metheist: dedicate 3hrs on T/R, and hopefully an hour on MWF. Write a shitty first draft of my conference paper, which is an offshoot of a diss. chapter.

nwgirl: 1). Re-group. 2). Review research journal. 3). Work 4 hours each on two non-teaching days. Work 30 minutes each on three non-teaching days. 4). Review progress and check-in with writing group on Friday.

Pilgrim/Heretic: 1500 more.

profacero (Z): some writing every day, 25 minutes to 2.5 hours. Ideally I can get the 2.5 hours Saturday and also Sunday, but I will not scare myself by saying I must.

rented life: possibly leaving the group?

sophylou: no check-in

Susan: traveling but goal's for following week are: Finish the review, and get going on one of the many books I have on my desk!

tracynicolrose: Complete at least 1 analysis memo for MS paper; edit findings section of BE paper; find a new journal for rejected TS paper; read for Methods paper

Zabeel: no check-in