Yesterday was a bad day. It was one of those days where fear and anxiety wrap themselves around you, creating a cocoon of self-doubt that seems impossible to break. I basically spent the entire day on my couch, alternately between feeling sorry for myself and crying my eyes out. I went to a library fundraising dinner with my parents, which was my idea and so I couldn't back out of it, and even teared up at dinner. I even cried in the shower, hoping I would feel better because sometimes a good long cry in the shower helps. I don't know why it does, but it does. Except for yesterday.
I could not shake the overwhelming feeling that I will never finish this dissertation; that even if I do finish it I won't find a job; that I have wasted the majority of my life in pursuit of a goal that will not happen; that I have no social life because I make no money and sit at home every night, watching tv and wondering what my friends are doing; that I am losing one of my best friends because I can't afford to go to her wedding, even though she says she's fine and knows it's not my fault, but somehow her almost-daily phone calls and daily texts have all come to a screeching halt and I'm lucky if I get a quick text back to any one of mine; and that I am a failure at life because, at 35, I have had to move back in with my parents, who support me financially because I am basically unemployable, being somehow overqualified and underqualified, all at once, for many, many jobs and my parents are not really in the best position to help me, particularly for as long as has been necessary and seemingly will never end, so not only are my finances in shambles, but if something doesn't happen soon, I could seriously hurt my parents' future, too.
So. Today has been slightly better, if only because I had to lecture today, so I had to put on clothes and make-up and restrain from bursting into tears at any given moment. That doesn't mean I don't want to cry, just that I refuse to cry in my office because the walls do not go all the way up to the ceiling and people will hear me. At least I managed to type this post without crying. Perhaps this will be a turning point. I really, really need it to be.
You know sometimes things break late in life. I did not get my first academic job until I was 37. After I got my PhD at SOAS I lived on my uncle's ranch on the Arizona-Mexican border for two years. During which time I applied to over 300 jobs in the US, Canada, and Europe and did not even get a single interview. I almost gave up applying completely. I have most of it recorded on my blog which starts in London in 2004 and then goes to Virginia for 2004-2005, Arizona for 2005-2007, Bishkek for 2007-2010, and since 2010 Ghana. If someone had told me I would ever end up in Africa before 2010 I would not have believed him.
ReplyDeleteAwww, virtual hugs. Bad days happen, and are hard to live through, and sometimes everything seems pointless. But you can finish the dissertation! One word at a time if necessary. Or CHOOSE not to if something else works out. Hope things carry on improving from today...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had such a hard day. Although I don't have all of the same struggles as you do (right now), I have the same fears about my dissertation. But I just keep telling myself, "If other people have done it, I can, too! Right?" As for the rest of it, I don't know much about your life up until this point, but this point is just *one point* in time. A snapshot, if you will. And as J. Otto suggested, life takes some unusual turns, often quite suddenly. Mine sure did (in my mid-30s). With your talents and skills, and especially your digital interests, I can't help but think that your future is bright, regardless of it's shape. Most of all, I'm sorry about your relationship with your best friend. That must be very hard.
ReplyDelete(((((Jodi)))))
That sucks, and I hope you're feeling more up! Be sure to be good to yourself and take time for the things that make your life worthwhile, otherwise you will put everyone else's needs first and do nothing but slave away and eat ramen.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel better, _everyone_ I have talked to has gotten to a point of hating their dissertation and almost walking away from it. It tooootally sucks, but it _is_ possible to push through the sucky parts. Just keep at it, little step by little step.
Thanks, everyone! Just writing the post helped, but reading your responses even more so. I know I can do this. I need to keep reminding myself that it won't always be like this and things will get better. And clearly I need to learn how to keep working, even through the doubt!
ReplyDeleteLook, the parent/financial situation is really depressing but you apparently are working so try not to let this make you feel bad -- that is only weakening.
ReplyDeleteGood point on hating dissertation and wanting to walk away; I did not walk away from dissertation but did drop it afterwards, and regret that.
Sisyphus is really right about enjoying life, and the others are right that (a) you are going to find a job of some interest and (b) you are going to finish the dissertation. Remember, think positively of yourself when you work.
P.S. Friend: she is just busy and doing something very different from what you are doing. Friendships really do go in and out, do not take the current situation to heart.
ReplyDeleteOther social life: there has got to be a way to get out cheaply. I would be looking at Scottish hillwalking clubs, but that's me --.
OK wait, you are not actually in Scotland, you seem to be in US and on Eastern time. I would seriously look at something like meetup.com -- meet people not in academia. Or get involved in some form of activism, something you are interested in and that does not cost serious money. Oddly, this is going to give you more and not less energy and time for dissertation and so on.
ReplyDeleteThanks, profacero. I actually just decided to volunteer for Habit for Humanity and my town's public library, which is fundraising for a new building and, from the looks of it, could really, really use some help with their website and marketing. I do think it will help rejuvenate me, while not breaking the bank.
ReplyDeleteAs for the friend, I suppose it's time to be an adult and have a conversation. I just hate that!