Yesterday was a bad day. It was one of those days where fear and anxiety wrap themselves around you, creating a cocoon of self-doubt that seems impossible to break. I basically spent the entire day on my couch, alternately between feeling sorry for myself and crying my eyes out. I went to a library fundraising dinner with my parents, which was my idea and so I couldn't back out of it, and even teared up at dinner. I even cried in the shower, hoping I would feel better because sometimes a good long cry in the shower helps. I don't know why it does, but it does. Except for yesterday.
I could not shake the overwhelming feeling that I will never finish this dissertation; that even if I do finish it I won't find a job; that I have wasted the majority of my life in pursuit of a goal that will not happen; that I have no social life because I make no money and sit at home every night, watching tv and wondering what my friends are doing; that I am losing one of my best friends because I can't afford to go to her wedding, even though she says she's fine and knows it's not my fault, but somehow her almost-daily phone calls and daily texts have all come to a screeching halt and I'm lucky if I get a quick text back to any one of mine; and that I am a failure at life because, at 35, I have had to move back in with my parents, who support me financially because I am basically unemployable, being somehow overqualified and underqualified, all at once, for many, many jobs and my parents are not really in the best position to help me, particularly for as long as has been necessary and seemingly will never end, so not only are my finances in shambles, but if something doesn't happen soon, I could seriously hurt my parents' future, too.
So. Today has been slightly better, if only because I had to lecture today, so I had to put on clothes and make-up and restrain from bursting into tears at any given moment. That doesn't mean I don't want to cry, just that I refuse to cry in my office because the walls do not go all the way up to the ceiling and people will hear me. At least I managed to type this post without crying. Perhaps this will be a turning point. I really, really need it to be.